The past week has been blurry, painful and like a low spring tide. All the comforting water is gone and the rocks and sand are exposed and slowly drying out in the sun.
My son was admitted for Bronchiolitis last week and a routine xray for pneumonia revealed a “large mass” over his right lung.
I almost lost my mind.
Alone in PE with a sick baby, hearing this news I actually asked the doctor if he was shitting me?! My mouth has no filter when faced with potentially life altering news.
We had to get him admitted (draw blood, insert drip, medicate) and then wait till the next day for his C.T. scan.
This scan was so traumitising for me I just sobbed the whole way through. Good knows though, it revealed that Shaw has a congenital condition called a Morgagni hernia. It’s apparently easy to fix and should be done as soon as possible.
The point here is that first night while my son was sleeping and I was trying to make sense of everything I asked God ” how strong am I supposed to be if things just keep going south?” The weeks prior had been filled with sick toddler, twice, sick husband, traffic fine, bills and personal challenges. So the saying “if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger” wants to take hold, but God, in all his grace replied and said “I don’t need you to be strong, I need you to trust me”.
Trust me. Don’t listen to the sayings of the world, trust ME. He was right, cause there is nothing I can do to change anything. We are here now. He proved faithful with a “less serious” diagnosis, and the road of trusting is long and windy, but at least he doesn’t need me to be strong, cause I really just don’t have any left. This past week has meant a forced vulnerability, an openess and a confession of helplessness, not things I do well. But my God, I will trust you, I have to, you are everything good and holy, I must trust the God of my making with my son and his future, the same way I had to with our first born.
It makes me cry, but that’s okay.
Isaiah 43:2 Through deep waters, I will be with you.
Illustration Hand lettering: Rachel Pfuetzner